4/17/12 Tuesday
I have come to realize, sadly, that I won't be able to be a success. I'm not going to be a famous author like I dream of being. I'm not going to escape the government assistance that I've been forced to depend on. And I'm not going to be able to achieve any of my goals. Not unless and until I can get better physically. My success is contingent upon me being able to improve my health first and foremost. It frightens me to think of spending my life in a single room government subsidized apartment with dreams of greatness, tapping away at a computer that keeps working less and less, while I write about my aspirations in a never-ending blog.
I have a single-focus. Getting my health better. I can't believe that I was put on this Earth with the mind and the ideas and the creativity that I hold, just to while away the hours in bed, watching TV, reading my e-mail, then writing a few complaints, ideas, and opinions in a blog that hardly anyone reads. Then just to pass away into infinity having never left my mark upon this world. I cannot believe that I was not meant to express the creativity inside me to further illuminate others and to make this world a better place, if only for a brief moment and in the smallest way.
Today is one of those days that feels like summer. I spent most of the day in bed. I find that if I spend too long in bed I begin to feel worse. I become more achy, more sore, and more stiff. So I have to get up, if only for the simple fact that lying down and continuing to sleep is hurting me more than getting up would. I can't imagine spending another beautiful summer in NYC with the only thing I look forward to being the next airing of my favorite TV show. I don't want to be that person. But for the last several years that's the way it's been. To think that all my problems could be a mild case of low thyroid function. That is probably what's been wrong with me all along. It makes me so upset to think of all of these years of my life lost and missed. I wish there was someone that I could blame, someone who could pay, but alas, there isn't.
4/15/12 Sunday
I was just thinking about the book I finished a few weeks ago. I read a book called Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. I wrote a review of this book for my main professional site. I am working on my next front page feature to put up, so if you haven't read my review, hurry before I take it down. Even if you miss it is will be archived, which I explain on the site. You will still be able to read it, just not on the page.
This book has helped me so much. It has helped me identify and understand the roots of emotions, patterns of behavior, as well as the reasons for many of the unsuccessful things in my life which I had heretofore not been able to explain. And no, its not about blaming your parents for everything. It is about understanding and identifying the things that they are responsible for. They are the ones who teach us how to interact with other people. They are the ones who teach us how we allow others to treat us. Regardless of what they say with words, they teach us how to interact in the way in which they treat us as well. If you've got an abusive parent, then your scale of acceptable behaviors that you will allow in others throughout your life will be skewed by that experience. You may think to yourself, I don't let people treat me like garbage just because my father beat me. Well, you may indeed resist that and avoid the overt signs and abusive behaviors that you saw most explicitly played out for you, but there are patterns which you may have yet to identify and understand. Things which, upon reading this book, will become more clear to you.
I have, since reading this book, done a lot of emotional reflection and healing from the wounds of a controlling abusive mother. This book made me realize the things that I needed to understand and the false beliefs that I needed to identify. I have released the fear that until recently, I thought I had completely let go. I still had dread, doubts, and apprehension regarding my mother. But I find that I have finally truly begun to release it. I no longer have a knot in my stomach at the thought of seeing my mother or speaking to her. I have no desire to speak to her, no more than I would with any person whom I dislike, but I don't have dread about it anymore. There's no dread and apprehension. I'm an adult, I'm not her puppet to control, and I don't have to justify myself to her, nor do I have to adhere to her belief system
4/13/12 Friday
I was just thinking about our history in America. I mean the history that we're taught in school. We are notoriously inadequate when it comes to history and geography education in America. It's known all over the world. I think that we should work on changing that. I know that I have. I don't know all that I should, nor am I as well-read as I should be or would like to be. But I am striving to know more, to do more, and to learn more.
Our history classes are a mish-mash, at best. I have discussed this with my best friend and she concurs. We have agreed that they are a veritable PowerPoint presentation of history with marked events being laid out in brief synopsis summary form like a TV show description on IMDB. Ranging from ancient Egypt, then Christopher Columbus, and Sacajawea, the war of Independence to the Civil War and on to World War II. Some schools may have briefly touched on suffrage and women's voting rights as well as Civil Rights and the plight of minorities. Many of us may have had our individual state's history taught to us at some point as well. But our learning and studying of history is largely inadequate. I didn't truly understand this until I had lived in NYC for a while and met and encountered foreign people who knew more about my country's history than I did. That is appalling! I have in the past mostly found American history boring, I must admit, but there are isolated events and occurrences which are, in and of themselves, integral to the shaping of the society and civilization that we have built. And while, as a liberal-minded individual, I don't deny the raping and pillaging and darkness that we've committed to get where we are, I do applaud our accomplishments and achievements. Those are the things that we can now be proud of. Those are the things for which we raise the flag every 4th of July. Those are the things that make us want to stand up and place our hand over our hearts when we hear an especially moving rendition of the Star Spangled Banner. Those are the things that make us Americans! Those are the things that make us human!
4/13/12 Friday
It's Friday the 13th. And unless you have triskaidekaphobia, then you'll be rest-assured that this is a day just like any other. And as a person who has an affinity for all things Goth (well, almost) I wish I could go out "Gothin'" as my ex-boyfriend used to say. It would be a great night to see what's happening in the Goth club and join in the festivities. But I'm not feeling up to it, once again.
4/12/12 Thursday
I have had some disappointments in the last couple of days. I am a Nielsen panelist. Yes, the famous Nielsen that keeps track of your television viewing habits and such. They've expanded to keep track of pretty much everything. From what you watch to, where you shop, and what you buy; they've delved into every part of our lives in a survey capacity. I am a Nielsen Homescan panelist. (They recently changed the name to National Consumer Panel, which is silly in my humble, but whatever) Which means that I have a scanner, much like the ones they use to ring you up in the store. I then scan and record all of my purchases by store name or store type. Then once a week I transmit the information from my scanner over the internet using a cable which links my scanner to my computer. I have been a part of this for a couple of years now. I like it. Or at least I did until recently. There are also surveys to fill out which allows you to earn points. These points, once they've accumulated to a certain amount, can be exchanged for items in an online awards catalog.
I have been hoping to get to a certain number of points for a few months now with the intention of obtaining a fantastic Black & Decker toaster/convection oven. I had the opportunity to get the points necessary a few months ago, but because I was feeling so poorly failed to complete the surveys necessary to earn the points. But as I checked my points balance and saw that my regular transmissions every week had earned me almost enough, I then noticed that I was just a few surveys away from my goal. I excitedly checked the awards catalog. And what did I discover? That my item was gone. That my wish list was gone. That they had completely changed the items available. Many of the items which seemed more within reach were no longer there. There were no longer very many high "priced" items which I found desirable. They did have another Black & Decker toaster/convection. But this one was a higher end model and required more than twice the points that I was shooting for. I was sorely disappointed. I had been so close. It felt as if I had nothing to strive for any longer. I felt that the entire thing was, and had been, in vain and completely futile. And while the higher point item may be obtainable, it left me feeling very discouraged and disappointed. It was too much. It was like starting all over again. I was so upset. I got that very familiar feeling that I've felt off and on all of my life. This deep longing/wanting feeling that is so palpable that I get a lump in my throat. A lump of frustration. I want something so bad and am so let down upon discovering my inability to acquire it, that I just want to cry like a little girl. I hate feeling that way. I despise childishness and dislike things that make me feel like a child. But I felt so helpless and out of control. I have always wanted things. Since I was a child. I loved to spend money and shop and buy nice things and I always want more. I always will. Buying things is nice. Buying things satisfies something in me that is inexplicable.
But let me explain the deep hurt that this caused. It wasn't just that I wanted some pretty trinket. It was symbolic. It was also a symbol of my freedom. Freedom from having to rely on the community kitchen downstairs in my building. Freedom from having to sometimes share the baking rack in the oven with another tenant, who may or may not be baking something nasty like cheap non-organic conventional meat. Freedom from being limited by the hours that the kitchen is open during the day and evening. I had finally looked forward to something which was so close, within my grasp. Something nice which I had complete and utter faith that I would be able to obtain soon. Something feasible. I had my hopes dashed once again by my inexplicably horrible and difficult life. I was so distraught. I couldn't even imagine what I'd do. A normal person would say, well, I'll just save for it, or buy it with my next paycheck. But that's not possible for me. Every check is spread thin. I can't even afford to buy new shoes, which I need, get my eyes examined, get ink for my printer, etc. These are things which come up every so often and the only way I can obtain them is with school money. But I still haven't been able to get back to school. So no school money is forthcoming, at least not now. So, as you can see, it was more than a toaster oven. This oven represented a freedom which, after 7 years, was a long-time coming.
Another big disappointment for me this week is my incorporation of Raw Thyroid into my diet. Not just the fact that it is not vegetarian. I have accepted that I am not a vegetarian any longer. Actually as of April 1st. It is freeze-dried glands and thyroids and stuff which is supposed to help with the thyroid problems. I read great reviews and had high hopes for it, but it has been about 5 days and it hasn't really done anything for me. I don't have any more energy without stimulants. I haven't regained any muscle strength. I even doubled the dose, then one day I tripled the dose. I am not giving up, it's just frustrating to eat really well and still not lose weight. It isn't normal. Its not normal to suffer such muscle weakness that you're unable to do basic household chores let alone exercise too, which would probably aid the weight loss, if ever so slightly.
Some people have said (online) that Thyro Gold is more effective. But you cannot purchase Thyro Gold at this time as when you go to the site and click on the PayPal button to add to cart it says "This recipient is currently unable to receive money". These things are really an individual experience. One product will work great for one person, but not another. I just hate getting my hopes up. But I'm not supposed to be plump. I don't think I can "embrace my body as it is" again, the way that I did B4 when I was fat before. I just don't think that I can do it.
So now, what to do? I'll have to find another product which may or may not help. It's such a gamble. I don't like gambling. As a control freak, I like assurance and definitive results. In addition I have only a small amount of money to work with every month as well. I really need to get my T3/T4 or T4 replacement ASAP! I hate this!!! I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I am also sick and tired of repeating this same tired phrase over and over. Well, wish me happy hunting for an interim, erstwhile supplemental treatment which will actually help. I've got my endocrinologist appointment in the last week of the month. I can only hope and pray that he will be convinced by my extremely persuasive argument that I've put together.
4/8/12 Sunday
Seriously Enfamil, what's the deal? Why do they keep harassing me? I have received packages from them, now their ads are on my pages. I am a child free person, not only have I chosen not to have children, I don't have any children. Even if I did, I wouldn't feed them the shit you're selling.
I know that it may sound paranoid to think that the ads on my pages are catered to me. But recently, after filling out a few questionnaires regarding advertisements that relate to me, I've seen a shift in ads on certain pages. They've been more conducive to things that I would actually be interested in, things I would buy, and/or things that I would pay closer attention to. They've been more personal. Much the way that Amazon and Netflix make recommendations to us based on our patterns of watching, rating, and queue, so perhaps goes the advertising on certain pages with cookies. In a world of crazy "smart" computers, anything is now possible.
3/30/12 Friday
I have taken care of Sallie Mae. I applied online, w/the help of a phone guy, for my economic hardship deferment, so I can postpone (ad infinitum) my college loan repayments. I was going to try and go for Psychology at CUNY. But their online degree program requires that you have at least 24 credits. That sux! I have been to college 3 separate times, to 3 separate colleges and still have nothing to show for it. I wish that I did. I owe them money, all three. And the last 2, I flunked out, so there wouldn't be any credits anyway.
I hate starting over. I spent a good hour or so looking online for a decent online school with something halfway decent and interesting for me to study. So many of these schools are all about medical related stuff, legal stuff, and business. All of which I find extremely uninteresting. I am sort of interested in business, but only in a tangential way with my other interests. My main interests: English; Writing; Psychology; Science; Administrative Assistant/Office Support. That's pretty much it. I love science, but my math isn't very strong. I couldn’t do anything more complex than algebra, since I tried trigonometry in the first college go-'round and it was a royal clusterfuck. I can't grasp it at all to any advanced degree.
I hope that once I address my health issues, going to school, and actually getting a degree, will be a more feasible possibility. I have organized things into three groups of possibleness: Plausible; Feasible; Probable. Anything is possible, but some things are more likely and lean more towards the plausible, then there are things that are both possible and plausible, but for which you can actually see and envision the completing of said thing. Those things are feasible. Things over which you often have no control and or steps have been set into motion already then become probably or likely.
3/30/12 Friday
Mercury is really messing w/us today. I was given a number for an endocrinologist. I called the number, but the number was routed to a completely different number. And no, I didn't dial incorrectly. The woman picked up and said something about cardiology. So then I asked about the doctor I was trying to call. Then I was transferred. I spoke to a receptionist for a little while. Then he told me that I needed to set up blood work to see the endocrinologist. He then gave me the same number I'd originally dialed and said that it was busy. So when I got off the phone w/him, I called the number he'd given me, and which I'd dialed originally. It was busy a few times, but I was persistent.
Then when I finally got through, it was that cardiologist's office, again! I tried to explain to the receptionist what had happened. She said that I had the wrong number and that they had nothing to do with the doctor I was looking for. I asked her what number it was that I'd reached. The entire last 4 or 5 digits of the phone number were different. So I tried to inform her that I hadn't dialed incorrectly but that the numbers I had dialed had connected me w/her phone line. I called back again and got her again, then she tried to transfer me to that number. Guess what?! It transferred me to her! Thankfully they were in the same location and the receptionist was able to transfer me once again. And she was only able to do that because the doctor I was trying to reach had another extension. But for whatever reason their main extension is not connecting anyone to them, but to another office entirely. So when I was transferred I was able to speak to the doctor directly who then told me what I should do. What a strange misfiring of digital signals and information. I felt that the receptionist at the cardiologist had a slight attitude. But I was dialing right, it just wasn't connecting right. That's the strangest case of weirdness I do believe I have ever faced. I have had things like that happen maybe once, but 2, 3, 4, or more times in a row? Never. It's not my imagination.
Mercury's retrograde period this time around really has made everything more wonky than ever. I'm just gonna try and chill for the rest of the evening and be glad that I was able to get so many things done. I may burn some incense for the air elemental and for Mercury, ruler of air, if I have any more phone conversing to do today. I made all of the doctor's appointments that I needed to. Four in total. Including endocrinology. The endocrinologist sounded cool. I'm cautiously optimistic. I'm just hoping that he'll actually see my problem as a problem and not give me some bullshit about it being subclinical. That's just a doctor cop-out excuse to not treat you. That's their way of saying, "you're just not sick enough for us to be bothered. But if you wait until your health has worsened and your condition can't be reversed then we'll sit up and pay attention". And if he does, I'll just move on to another doctor, and another. But if it takes too long, I may start taking the OTC thyroid glandular support. I'm not going to wait too long to get treatment and or start. I feel I have to nip this in the bud ASAP. My health depends upon it.
3/25/12 Sunday
Today is my birthday. I have a hard time getting excited about them anymore. They used to be fun. I used to go out, party, have fun, dates, etc. Not anymore. I don't remember the last date I had, but I think it was cold outside. My life has become very solitary. I have come to realize that I don't want to be a solitary person anymore. I want to go back to being a social butterfly. I miss those days. I want to go back to being able to function more as well. I want to get myself better so that I can contribute more to the world. I have so much more to offer the world which is hampered by my illness. I am determined to find a doctor to treat me and give me what I need to get better, improve my immune system and my metabolism.
I keep getting worse. I was never able to lose more than 5 lbs. in the last 2 weeks. This makes me so sad and frustrated. Especially since I'd come so far in the last 2 years. My weight loss in 2010 was such an accomplishment, what with losing over 30 lbs. just to gain half of it back. I bought a whole new wardrobe as well. So now even though I have a bunch of new clothes, my available clothes that I can actually fit into is greatly reduced. I feel so blech! I feel so unenthused about my birthday. I wanted to wear something nice, maybe get dressed up, maybe make myself beautiful today. And perhaps I will. I have maybe one or two things that I can wear. Luckily when I was buying all new clothes, I had bought a few things in a size too big before I settled into my smallest size. So I have a cool pair of pleather pants which fit and I can wear a corset on top.
I'm also filled with lamentation on this birthday as this year marks 7 years that I've been living in this government subsidized apt. It's bittersweet. I feel so sad about having to settle for living accommodations like these. I want so badly to live like a normal person again. I'm in my late 30s now. I can't believe this is it for me. I want out of here so much!! I am trying to be positive and keep my chin up and all of that other nonsense, but it's times like this that I'm reminded of just how much my disability has impacted my life. I take stock of my life and realize that I'm getting worse as I get older. My body is getting worse, my abilities are becoming more and more limited as time goes on. I need to get help. I've come to the conclusion that I'll even forego being a vegetarian if I have to. If the synthetic hormones don't work for my thyroid problems, then I'm willing to resort to the glandular ones. I have had it. It is a terrible feeling. I feel as if I'm dying sometimes. The weakness is so pervasive and permeates my entire being. Sometimes I think that if I were to lie down I would simply stop. For the first time in my life I actually want to live and it feels like I'm dying almost all of the time.
The periods of my metabolism being more normal are getting shorter and my periods of weight gain and inability to lose the weight again are getting longer. In addition, my weight goes up higher each time and doesn't go down as far. So I'm essentially just getting fat all over again. I loved my skinny body so much. I'd finally gotten the body I wanted. I can't stand having things and then having them taken away. I wasn't meant to live this way. Living without luxuries makes me very unhappy and miserable. I wasn't meant to live without. Without health, without amenities, without money, without a better quality of life.
So I'm feeling very down now. I don't feel very Witchy, or inspired, or even Spring Feverish now. I just feel deflated, disappointed, and discouraged.
3/25/12 Sunday
I was getting ready to prepare for my Ostara ritual the other day and I just couldn't seem to buckle down and do it no matter how hard I tried. I kept trying to mentally get myself in focus mode. I started to feel really antsy and distracted and all sorts of things. And I couldn't figure out what the problem was. Then it hit me! Spring Fever! Also cabin fever. I haven't been out in a while. I was feeling so crazy and like I wanted to bounce off the walls. I couldn't focus to write or plan my ritual. I couldn't think. Or rather my mind kept meandering between the immediate concerns and the stuff that I plan on handling next week: school stuff; doctor stuff; meetings; appointments; etc. Then I would mentally tell myself to focus on just right now: the spiritual stuff. I always feel better after celebrating one of my Wiccan rituals.
So then I bought a bunch to drink and a few too many. I just kept drinking and watching TV on Friday. It was too late to do anything and I couldn't focus anyway, so I just kept going. I don't know what I thought I'd accomplish my drinking more than usual. I just made my belly feel all weird. Then the next day, Saturday, I wasn't able to accomplish much of anything either. I ate all the frosting that I'd planned to use for my birthday cake. I am all screwed up. What the hell was I thinking? I'm up a little earlier today, have taken my wakey, wakey pills and am just finishing my Morning Thunder tea. Then we'll see what the day holds.